With the exception of two deeply traumatic weeks round about 1995, I’ve worn a full beard for nearly all of my adult life. My father has had one for most of his grown-up years, too, and so did my late uncle Louie. Beards are cool, man. But that’s not a message that’s too widely accepted here in arch-conservative Utah. Seriously, the population here is overwhelmingly clean-shaven. You see a fair number of goatees among the younger crowd, but very few full-on, manly-men-style beards. Moreover, a great many people in these parts seem to be profoundly uncomfortable with the thought of facial fur; I’ve heard beards decried as “unclean,” “unattractive,” and “Satanic.” I’ve heard people say that men with beards are “untrustworthy” because they’re “hiding something.” I even had a young lady tell me once as I struggled through a dry-spell that the reason I couldn’t get a date was because women don’t like beards. No women. Not one. (I suspect The Girlfriend might have something to say about that!)

Fortunately, not everyone in the world is so ignorant. Some people are sophisticated enough to recognize the inherent, undeniable grooviness of The Beard. People like whoever made today’s video treat, which cleverly reveals the true reason why the Lord of the Rings movies rocked:

(Let me give you a hint: it’s because “Even the f***ing trees have beards!”)

I don’t know about you, but I want one of those limited-edition beard cases…

This is great… I just received a phone call from Samuel L. Jackson, telling me I have to pick up The Girlfriend on August 18th and get down to the theater to see his new film, Snakes on a Plane, which he promises just might be the greatest film ever made. He even threatens to come after me if I don’t see it. And who am I to argue with Samuel L. Muthaf****ng Jackson?
The movie is totally going to blow, of course, even if it does turn out to be entertaining. I’m thinking it may be right up there with Robot Jox for pure, joyful suckitude, or at least in the neighborhood of that other immortal airplane-based action flick, Passenger 57. But I’ve got to admit, the marketing behind this end-of-summer, bottom-of-the-barrel, B-movie schlocker has been absolutely brilliant, beginning months ago with the Internet word-of-mouth and all the various home-brewed video parodies (here’s a Salon article detailing the Snakes phenomenon; sorry in advance for making you sit through a commercial to read it) and leading right up to this personalized phone call thing. The rising buzz around this film has been been organic, it’s been fun, and it’s all felt decidedly non-corporate. These days, when even the most minor of releases gets a co-branded Happy Meal and wall-to-wall TV ads, the grass-roots enthusiasm for Snakes is truly refreshing, and genuinely enticing. Oh, yeah, I’ll see Snakes on a Plane. It’ll suck, but it’s earned the privilege of my curiosity, at least.

Incidentally, if you’d like to hear my phone call from Mr. Jackson, I’ve recreated it here. Give a listen. It’s pretty amusing…