{"id":519,"date":"2006-04-06T14:46:23","date_gmt":"2006-04-06T14:46:23","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.jasonbennion.com\/?p=519"},"modified":"2006-04-06T14:46:23","modified_gmt":"2006-04-06T14:46:23","slug":"pet_diaries","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.jasonbennion.com\/index.php\/2006\/04\/06\/pet_diaries\/","title":{"rendered":"Pet Diaries"},"content":{"rendered":"

I am like Switzerland when it comes to the eternal grudge-match between cat people and dog people: officially neutral and trying to be everyone’s friend. Or at least no one’s enemy. I’ve owned both of common varieties of four-legged companion mammals, as well as rabbits, horses, cows, a pair of pocket parrots<\/a>, and an extremely territorial one-footed duck, and I’ve loved them all. Cats and dogs obviously have very different personalities, but I find neither to be superior than the other. They are merely different.<\/p>\n

Of course, cats do have a slightly sinister quality. Read on to see what I mean…<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

EXCERPTS FROM A DOG’S DAILY DIARY:<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

8:00 a.m. Oh, boy! Dog food! My favorite!<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

9:30 a.m. Wow! A car ride! This is a blast!<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

9:40 a.m. A walk in the park! Ate some crap…Delicious!<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

10:30 a.m. Getting rubbed and petted! I’m in love!<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

12:00 p.m. Lunch! Yummy!<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

1:00 p.m. Playing in the yard! I just love it!<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

3:00 p.m. Staring adoringly at my masters…they’re the best! I’ll wag my tail in joy.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

4:00 p.m. Hooray! The kids are home! I’m bouncing off the walls!<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

5:00 p.m. Milkbones! Great!<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

7:00 p.m. Get to play ball! This is too good to be true!<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

8:00 p.m. Wow! Watching TV with my master! Heavenly!<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

11:00 p.m. Sleeping at the bottom of my master’s bed! Life is soooooooo great!<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

EXCERPTS FROM A CAT’S DAILY DIARY:<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Day 683 of My Captivity:<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomited on the floor.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a ”good little hunter” I am. The audacity!! There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to my power of “allergies.” I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow– but at the top of the stairs.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released — and he seems more than willing to return! He is obviously retarded. The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. The captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe… for now…<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

[For the record, I didn’t write this. It arrived in my morning e-mail and I found it amusing enough that I wanted to share with my three loyal readers. Of course, two of you have already seen it, but still…]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I am like Switzerland when it comes to the eternal grudge-match between cat people and dog people: officially neutral and trying to be everyone’s friend. Or at least no one’s enemy. I’ve owned both of common varieties of four-legged companion mammals, as well as rabbits, horses, cows, a pair of pocket parrots, and an extremely […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[6],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-519","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-general-ramblings"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jasonbennion.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/519","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jasonbennion.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jasonbennion.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jasonbennion.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jasonbennion.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=519"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.jasonbennion.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/519\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jasonbennion.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=519"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jasonbennion.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=519"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jasonbennion.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=519"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}