Mar212012

John Carter As It Should Have Been Done

Well, I guess it’s officially a flop: Disney announced yesterday that it expects to lose $200 million on John Carter, all but guaranteeing that the first big-screen adaptation of Edgar Rice Burroughs’ classic Barsoom novels is also going to be the last. And what a damn shame, too, because I really liked it. The pacing was a little uneven, and I disagree with some of the changes that were made in adapting the story from the source material. (I could’ve done without the formulaic Hollywood backstory and character arc that was pasted onto the title character, i.e., the man who’s lost everything learning to live again; in the original stories, he was simply an adventurer who had to adapt to a new world, and then fell in love. Also, the books were filled with enough conflict between Barsoomian races and city-states without having to elevate the stakes to the would-be epic, survival-of-two-worlds-in-the-balance stuff that nearly every summer tentpole flick of the last 15 years has beaten into the ground. And I prefer the book’s conceit that JC was the only person who was capable of moving between Earth and Barsoom, and that he did it through mystical means rather than technological, as in the film.) But overall I was very pleased with the filmmakers’ fidelity to the details and spirit of the books, and I loved the fun, escapist tone that neither took itself too seriously nor played the material for campy laughs. And I thought the casting was spot-on. Taylor Kitsch and Lynn Collins aren’t John Carter and the lovely Dejah Thoris as I have imagined them for 30 years of my life… but they could be cousins to the people who live in my imagination, and that’s pretty damn satisfying.

I recognize that I approached John Carter with a certain predisposition to like it, and also viewed it through a particular filter, i.e., how well did it adapt the books I’ve loved since childhood? But I’ve also spoken to several people who admit they wouldn’t know Edgar Rice Burroughs from William S. Burroughs, so they had no preconceptions whatsoever, and they liked the movie, too. Based on their testimonies, I’m convinced the movie had the potential to appeal to a wider audience than it obviously has… which suggests to me that what I wrote a couple weeks ago about the weak marketing was right on target. Fingers are now being pointed in all directions, with some gossips blaming the film’s director, Andrew Stanton, for mistakenly believing this character was as well known as Tarzan and insisting on the vague, uninspiring ad campaign. Others are saying the movie fell victim to internal politics at Disney, with the execs who greenlighted the movie departing midway through its production and their replacements just wanting to get it out the door and over with. But again, whatever the cause, there’s no question in my mind that the marketing on this film stank worse than fresh calot droppings, and that had a tremendously negative impact on the movie’s performance. And it’s so deeply frustrating to me, both as an ERB fan and simply as a lover of good Saturday-matinee adventure flicks, because this movie so easily could have been handled differently, and with far happier results.

Consider this: Two clicks of my mouse this afternoon turned up a fan-made trailer that uses the same footage as the official ones, but is so much more reflective of what this movie is about, who John Carter is, why these stories matter, and how frickin’ awesome they can be:

Now that’s how you do a trailer for a rollicking planetary romance based on a seminal but no longer well-remembered literary work. This trailer makes me want to run out and see the film again, right now. So why couldn’t anyone at Disney figure out how to do something that good? Why didn’t they care about nurturing something that could’ve been major for them, instead of setting up a self-fulfilling prophecy of failure? (I shouldn’t be surprised, I guess; I’ve been asking the same questions for 20 years in regards to The Rocketeer, another great little movie with lots of franchise potential that Disney essentially dumped into theaters with very little support.)

Someday, somebody’s going to write a very interesting book on this debacle. In the meantime, I really hope this movie finds its audience on home video, and eventually comes to be recognized as something more than it was initially taken for.

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Mar162012

Friday Evening Videos: “I Need to Know”

Just lately, I’ve been teetering on the edge of another one of those funks when I feel like my moment has come and gone, and the Arbiters of Cool have declared all the things I like obsolete and irrelevant, and it’s just as well I don’t have kids because what the hell could I possibly have in common with them at this point? You know, that thing Grampa Simpson was talking about when he said “I used to be with it, but then they changed what it was. Now what I’m with isn’t it, and what’s it seems weird and scary to me.” (You see! A Simpsons reference. How passe’ is that? I hate it when I inadvertently prove my own point!)

But then today, just as the Generation Gap was yawning before me like the Grand Canyon and the edge was crumbling under my feet, onto my morning train stepped a pretty young blonde that I would guess was about seventeen years old. (Must… resist… obvious reference to the Stray Cats song…) She wore jeans that were ripped out at the knees, with red-and-black striped tights beneath, and fingerless knit gloves, and the ubiquitous hoodie. She was the sort of girl I would’ve fallen instantly in love with, once upon a far-off time when I was seventeen myself. She was holding an iPhone on which I could see a video playing, and she was bopping her head along to the accompanying music.

I cringed, because I really wasn’t in the mood to have some inconsiderate Damn Kid(tm) who can’t be bothered to wear headphones foisting her crappy music on me. My irritation rose as she sat down right across the aisle from me and turned her gadget toward me so the music grew even louder. And then I caught what she was listening to… and my mouth almost literally fell open from the surprise. It was something I knew. More than that, it was something I like, a song called “I Need to Know,” written by Tom Petty.

This particular version of the song was a live clip featuring my rock-n-roll sweetheart, the eternally sexy (in my eyes) Stevie Nicks, singing the lead while Petty provides the guitar and back-up vocal. In fact, I think it was this very clip here:

Seeing a teenage girl so obviously and unironically enjoying a song that was originally recorded when I was just a kid myself — 1978, to be exact — performed by two people old enough to be her grandparents, gave me such a simple feeling of genuine happiness that I feel foolish even trying to describe it.

My train stop came up just as the song was ending. I debated over saying something to the girl, telling her that she’d dispelled a black fog from my heart, or maybe just that she had excellent taste in music, but I feared coming across as some kind of creep. (It pains me deeply that a grown man can’t even speak to a young girl anymore without worrying that he’ll be, ahem, misunderstood!) So I settled for just tapping her on the shoulder as I passed and saying, “For what it’s worth, I love that one.”

She giggled. She actually giggled. And I had the brief impression I’d made her day as much as she’d made mine.

Then I stepped off the train and started walking toward the office. I noticed I had something resembling a spring in my step. And I was smiling, too.

Thanks, kid. Whoever you were. You don’t know how much good you did this morning.

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Mar162012

“If My Childhood Plans Had Panned Out…”

A couple weeks ago, there was a cute little cartoon making the rounds titled “If My Childhood Plans Had Panned Out…” It easily lends itself to a fun mental exercise with several components to think about, so naturally somebody turned it into an Internet meme. (Thanks, Michael May!)

I chose to make my own responses to the questions raised in the form of photos, which I will place after the fold to save y’all some bandwidth. And for the record, I defined childhood for this thing as being between the ages of seven and 10, which for me would’ve covered the years 1976 through ’79. Click through if you’re curious…

Continue Reading…

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Mar112012

The Best John Carter Quote I Saw This Weekend

I had fun at John Carter. Just not $250 million worth of fun, which leads us to the central and vexing problem: Moviegoing pleasure can no longer be casual. We’re now acutely aware of how much every movie cost, how much every studio – in this case, Disney – has riding on every given project. “What does Disney need to make its money back?” becomes the overriding question, when what we really should be asking is, “Did you see how John Carter slashed his way out of that big, blubbery whatsis and came out all blue and shit?”  —  Stephanie Zacharek

Indeed. The media’s obsession over opening-weekend box-office take is sooooo tedious.

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Mar102012

Educating Roger

I generally have a lot of respect for the opinions of Roger Ebert. There’s no question the man knows his movies… their history, their industry, their overall aesthetic. He understands how they’re put together and what about them makes them work, and what doesn’t. But when it comes to science fiction, fantasy, and superhero movies, especially those adapted from some other source, he can say some mind-bogglingly ignorant things.

It’s pretty obvious he doesn’t really care for such films. He plainly considers them unsophisticated and even silly, and he admits in many of his reviews that he simply doesn’t know how to approach them. And that’s fine with me, it really is; I don’t expect everyone to be a fanboy like myself. (In fact, I enjoyed being a genre fan much more back in the days when SF&F wasn’t so mainstream.) But I would suggest he try exploring the source material a little more thoroughly — or at least hire a research assistant who can spend 20 minutes on Wikipedia and then give him a brief before he writes the review — so he doesn’t always appear so… well… out of touch to people who know and understand this stuff. Case in point: his review of John Carter.

I haven’t seen it yet, so I’m not going to question Roger’s judgment as to the film’s quality. (Full disclosure: he gave the movie two-and-a-half stars out of four, so he wasn’t being all that harsh, or at least not as harsh as I expected.) He complains the plot isn’t as tight as it ought to be and the CGI is occasionally dodgy. Fair enough; he may well be right about those problems. But what raised my hackles were the offhand remarks he made that indicate he just doesn’t know much about where this character comes from, and he can’t be bothered to find out. For example, here’s the paragraph that really made me grit my teeth:

When superior technology is at hand, it seems absurd for heroes to limit themselves to swords. When airships the size of a city block can float above a battle, why handicap yourself with cavalry charges involving lumbering alien rhinos? …

 

Such questions are never asked in the world of “John Carter,” and as a result, the movie is more Western than science fiction.

Roger, I respectfully counter that being more Western than sci-fi is actually a feature for this film, not a flaw. That means it’s at least somewhat faithful to A Princess of Mars, the first of Edgar Rice Burroughs’ novels about John Carter. For the past couple of weeks, I’ve been reading Princess out loud to The Girlfriend, one chapter per night, just before bed, and she observed very early on that the story is essentially a Western with giant, four-armed green men standing in for Native Americans. But of course that’s what it is. Consider the book’s history. It was originally published in serial form in 1912. Wyatt Earp was still alive in 1912, and I’m pretty sure Buffalo Bill’s Wild West show was still touring then. The Old West occupied a tremendous amount of real estate in the popular imagination, Western stories dominated the pulp magazines that Burroughs was trying to break into, and science fiction as we now understand it did not really exist. (Indeed, Burroughs practically invented the sci-fi genre, or at least a certain subset of it.) Plot-wise, Princess actually starts off as a Western, with Carter fighting Apaches in the Arizona Territory just after the Civil War, before Burroughs unleashes his imagination. To complain that a movie based on this seminal, century-old story doesn’t fit so neatly into our modern generic pigeonholes indicates to me that you’re missing the point.

As to the issue of swords on a world that also boasts gravity-defying airships, it’s very plainly explained in the books (but, I grant, perhaps not in the movie) as a cultural thing. The peoples of Barsoom are violent, in constant conflict with one another, and they prize physical prowess and bravery above all other virtues. In addition, their world is dying and in many ways they have regressed into barbarism (some of the races, such as the green men of Thark, moreso than others, such as the more human-appearing red race). They fight with swords because skill with a blade is more impressive to them than merely shooting someone from a distance. Besides, this is a pulp adventure story — swords just come with that territory. The armies of Ming the Merciless fly around in rocket ships and blast people with ray guns, but they have sword duels as well. And what are the lightsabers of our generation’s touchstone pulp adventure, the Star Wars saga? Swords. Just swords, with a disco-era makeover.

One last thing: near the end of his review, Ebert makes this really silly remark:

The Tharks are ingenious, although I’m not sure why they need tusks.

At risk of sounding snotty, they have tusks because that’s how ERB imagined them!

Look, I know movies should stand or fall on their own merits and if you have to refer constantly to the source material to explain away flaws, the movie can be considered a failure… but it just strikes me as silly to nitpick this sort of thing in the case of an adaptation. It sounds to me like Ebert is criticizing the very things that make this movie recognizable as Burroughs’ creation. And isn’t that what it’s supposed to be? Burroughs’ Barsoom brought to life? That’s what I’m hoping to see, at least…

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Mar092012

The Hardest Thing

Late last summer, I took a day off so I could help my father install a new swamp cooler on his and Mom’s rental property. The rental is actually my mother’s childhood home, a smallish, post-World War II tract house that I suppose could be loosely categorized as a bungalow. My Grandma June lived there until the mid-1980s, when a stroke debilitated her badly enough that she could no longer take care of herself, and then my uncle Layne, the hard-livin’ biker who took his final ride last May, occupied the place for a while after that. But for the last 20 years or so, my folks have earned a little extra income for themselves by renting it out to strangers. Unfortunately, the Salt Lake neighborhood where the house is located isn’t what it was during the Eisenhower years, or even the Carter and Reagan years, so it’s difficult to find tenants who both (a) are willing to live there, and (b) give enough of a damn not to trash the place. The last bunch left an especially nasty mess behind when they abruptly split without notice — Dad went to collect the rent one month and found the place empty, save for filth and vermin, and I’m not kidding about the vermin — leading to an entire year of clean-up and renovation. Dad performed most of the work himself (and it’s actually not done yet!) but the task of hoisting a bulky, heavy air-conditioning unit up to the roof was too much for one man, even one as resourceful as my father. To be honest, it ended up being too much for two men as well: after a half-hour struggle that wouldn’t have looked out of place in a Laurel and Hardy movie, we ended up disassembling the damn thing and carrying it up the ladder in pieces.

Not so long ago, being around my father under those circumstances would’ve inevitably ended in disaster. The setbacks in the task at hand and my relative incompetence at that sort of work would’ve put him in a foul mood, which would’ve made me defensive, and the feedback loop would’ve quickly spun us into an angry shouting match over nothing at all. But recently it feels like something between my dad and me has quietly evolved. We seem to have somehow outgrown the alpha-dog pissing contests that defined our relationship for so many years. We still get testy with one another and occasionally bicker, but now it’s more like little border skirmishes instead of all-out global thermonuclear war. And as unlikely as the idea once would’ve seemed, I sometimes even find myself enjoying the time I spend helping my dad with jobs like this, when we’re just a couple of Men Doing Manly Things.

Anyway, our plan had been to have the unit in place before the day became too uncomfortable, but by the time we gave up on lifting it whole, broke it down, and got all the parts onto the roof, the sun was already well up into the sky, and heat was beginning to radiate off the unshaded roof like the wavy mirages that float over I-80 as it slices through the West Desert. And if the temperature alone wasn’t bad enough, the tar on the asphalt shingles was softening and our feet were slipping in the loosened grit with every step we took. After a frightening foot-and-a-half-long skid, Dad suggested we throw in the towel for now; he would come back that evening when it was cooler and finish the reassembly. I didn’t need much convincing. We carefully stacked the remaining parts and tools on the roof, locked the ladder in the garage, and piled into Dad’s beat-up old flatbed truck. He asked if I wanted to go grab a Coke; I said sure.

Continue Reading…

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Mar072012

Round Up Your Mates

As a one-time human companion of a border collie, I can testify that the following clip is not nearly as far-fetched as one might think. They’ll herd (or attempt to herd) just about anything that moves:

Damn clever ad, in my opinion. Thanks to the Copyranter for bringing it to our attention. And Happy St. Patty’s Day to all!

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Mar012012

The Lost Joy of Naivete

A friend sent me this the other day, because he thought it sounded like something I would say:

Not only does it sound like something I would say, I think it’s more or less something I have said. Guess I should’ve copyrighted the sentiment when I had the chance.

At least I know now that I’m not the only one who ever believed I’d someday just magically… arrive. Yeah. I don’t know about you guys, but I’m still very much at sea.

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Feb292012

John Carter: Dead on Arrival?

As I mentioned in the previous post, my passion for the movies — or at least for going to the movies — has faded somewhat in recent years. I think the biggest problem is simply the reality of a busy semi-grown-up life. My schedule on weekdays makes going out inconvenient, and the weekends tend to get eaten up with all the mundane crap I can’t manage to complete during the week. Basically, it’s just damn hard to carve out a couple of hours to sit in the dark without feeling anxious because I think I ought to be doing something else. In addition, the general theatrical experience has really deteriorated since my multiplex days, largely due to the breakdown of good manners (Text-messaging! Grrr!) as well as various exhibition-industry developments, such as those abysmal pre-show reels of commercials and fluffy “behind-the-scenes” segments that don’t tell you a damn thing except how great everyone was to work with. And then there’s the not-inconsiderable problem that Hollywood just doesn’t seem to be making much I want to see these days; I’ve apparently aged beyond the industry’s target demographic.

The end result of all these converging factors is that I rarely get too excited anymore about upcoming movies. The last one for which I remember feeling much of a build-up was Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, and even then my eagerness was somewhat tempered compared to other movies in years past. I guess I’m finally beyond the running-countdown-clock, have-to-see-it-on-the-first-day, standing-in-line-for-hours, midnight-screening thing.

But every once in a while, something will grab my interest enough to trigger some vestige of the old anticipation reflex, and in recent months that film has been John Carter, the long-awaited cinematic adaptation of some of the best-loved pulp-adventure fiction of the early 20th century, namely the “Barsoom” novels of Edgar Rice Burroughs. I dearly loved those books as a boy, and I’ve gone from initially dubious to cautiously optimistic that the film’s director and co-writer, Andrew Stanton of Pixar fame, might have actually made a movie version that’s at least somewhat faithful to the source material. Certainly the look of the film is right, based on what I’ve seen in the trailers, and I’m hoping that the tone will be as well.What I’d like to see is old-fashioned, swashbuckling fun and romance, the sort of thing where the hero has a twinkle in his eye, rather than the self-important Dark ‘n’ Angsty Very-Important-Epic(tm) that every genre film these days aspires to be. That tone was appropriate for The Lord of the Rings, but not for anything created by ERB.

Unfortunately, my own feelings aside, John Carter is not attracting the kind of early buzz the corporate beancounters in Hollywood like to see. Last week, a much-linked article made the rounds of the nerd-o-sphere, predicting that JC is going to be a tremendous flop. The kind of flop that costs people their careers, maybe even the kind of flop that brings down studios. The first line of the article went so far as to compare it to Ishtar, the reviled 1987 Warren Beatty-Dustin Hoffman vehicle that became the poster-child for overblown vanity projects practically overnight.

To put it succinctly, this article pissed me off.

Continue Reading…

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