Dec182008

So Many Mullets…

I’ve noted before that I’m not a big fan of Christmas music, and the stuff from that I do like tends to be of the more melancholy, wistful variety. The upbeat songs usually make me squirm, because their cheerfulness so often strikes me as synthetic and forced, if not downright hysterical — “Carol of the Bells” is a particular offender in the “hysteria” category; it always sounds to me like the performers are going to ram their bells down our throats if we don’t acknowledge their mantra of “merrymerrymerrymerrychristmas!” — and also because I simply don’t want to give into their shiny insistence that everything is holly-jolly-wonderful. So I was a little bit surprised at just how happy this old music video made me feel when I ran across it earlier, especially considering that I’ve been teetering at the edge of my annual funk for a couple of days:

Yes, I know this song — “Do They Know It’s Christmas?” by Band Aid, in case you don’t remember — and its American counterpart, “We Are the World,” are sappy and condescending toward the very people they were recorded to help, and we all got really damn tired of hearing them every five minutes (especially “We Are the World,” which at its peak was well-nigh inescapable). But I got a kick out of seeing the old clothing styles and trying to identify all the participants, and… well, hell, I’m not going to apologize for the fact that this little piece of ’80s claptrap made me feel better on a gloomy morning. Maybe it’ll do the same for someone out there…

Via Sullivan, who made me smile with his quip that, “George Michael’s hair always makes my yuletide gayer.”
For the record, I still miss my mullet.

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Dec172008

He Puts the Neo in Neo-Con

By now, everyone has no doubt seen that video of a disgruntled Iraqi journalist hurling his shoes at President Bush in a gesture of contempt. Naturally, the Internet was immediately awash in parodies, mash-ups, and remixes of said video. Here’s my favorite response thus far:

(I moved it below the fold as a favor to anyone with a slow-loading connection…)

Continue Reading…

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Dec162008

A Simile Too Far

My lovely Girlfriend has informed me that yesterday’s entry may fall into the dread category of “Too Much Information.” To anyone whose sensibilities were offended by my description of my physical symptoms, I apologize.

Still… I thought the hand-cranked egg beaters were a pretty powerful image. Sometimes I actually believe I might be one of those writer fellows you hear so much about…

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Dec152008

An Important Lesson Learned

Chugging a Starbucks grande caffe mocha and then immediately going to The Old Spaghetti Factory for a gargantuan plate of spinach tortellini with alfredo sauce is a really bad idea. I had the lousy night’s sleep last night — during which my torso felt like a 50-gallon drum packed with Crisco that’s being gently whipped with a set of old-fashioned hand-cranked egg beaters — followed by the sour stomach all day today to prove it. Ugh. Off now for another swig of Pepto… hope everyone reading this is doing better than me.

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Dec102008

Blow-up Boobies Found!

Remember that slightly off-color item I posted last week, the one about the 130,000 inflatable novelty breasts that had gone missing somewhere between China and Australia? Well, they’ve been found… turns out there was a paperwork error and the plastic mammaries went to Melbourne instead of Sydney. Employees of Ralph, the men’s mag that purchased the boobies, are even now frantically stuffing them into bags so the holiday issue of the magazine will go out on time.

I must confess to being somewhat disappointed. In the words of one commenter over at Boing Boing, I was looking forward to reports of these things washing ashore somewhere. On the positive side, the article I linked above says that Ralph “is expected to break the Guinness world record for the most boobs given away at one time.”

It’s the story that keeps on giving, I tell you!

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Dec102008

Bond, James Bond

I can’t say I’m unhappy with the results of this “Which Action Hero Would You Be?” quiz:

You Scored as James Bond, Agent 007James Bond is MI6’s best agent, a suave, sophisticated super spy with charm, cunning, and a license to kill. He doesn’t care about rules or regulations and is somewhat amoral. He does care about saving humanity though, as well as the beautiful women who fill his world. Bond has expensive tastes, a wide knowledge of many subjects, and his usually armed with a clever gadget and an appropriate one-liner. 

James Bond, Agent 007
79%
Batman, the Dark Knight
79%
Indiana Jones
75%
El Zorro
75%
Neo, the “One”
71%
Captain Jack Sparrow
63%
William Wallace
63%
Lara Croft
63%
Maximus
58%
The Terminator
54%
The Amazing Spider-Man
50%

 

Suave, sophisticated… yeah, I like the sound of that. And I do look good in a tux, on the very, very rare occasion I’m called upon to wear one. I find it kind of weird, however, that I scored equally on Bond and Batman. What do these characters have in common, aside from access to high-tech gadgets and seemingly unlimited financial resources? Hm. Well, maybe I just answered my own question.

As for the equivalency of Indy and Zorro, well, I suppose they both use a whip, even if Zorro is better known for his swordplay. But wait, none of the questions asked about whips. And since when is The Terminator a hero? Strange…

Via Jim by way of Konstantin.

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Dec092008

Ch-Ch-Ch-Chia!

Something occurred to me yesterday while I was watching a re-run of The Incredible Hulk on our local RTN affiliate. Well, actually it occurred to me during a commercial break: of all the “as seen on TV” crap products that used to fill the airwaves with their seductive flim-flammery during the ’70s and ’80s, how is it that the only one that seems to have followed us into the 21st century is the Chia Pet? Seriously, this is what turns out to be the timeless kitsch classic that endures? Whatever became of the Pocket Fisherman, Mister Microphone, and those el-cheapo plastic boxes that were supposed to let you mold snow bricks and build igloos but somehow never quite worked as advertised? I wonder about these things…

Incidentally, that episode of The Hulk was an unbelievable confluence of nostalgic awesomeness… first of all, it was The Incredible Hulk, a series I watched pretty faithfully as a kid (and yet oddly, I can’t really remember a single individual plotline; of course, they were all pretty much the same plot, weren’t they?). It was set in one of my favorite cities, San Francisco (even though it was obviously filmed on the Universal backlot in Burbank), and the story involved a young cop struggling to choose between the path of peace offered by his zen martial-arts instructor and the violent quest for revenge advocated by his older brother. The older brother was Gerald McRaney of Simon & Simon, another childhood fave series, while the young cop was played by none other than my main man Rick Springfield. The episode felt like it might have been intended as a stealth pilot for a vehicle for Rick, as by the end of it he’s become the new master of the dojo (following the death of the old master) and a private eye who promises to take only the clients he can really help. If it was a pilot, it’s too bad it wasn’t picked up… it might’ve been interesting. Kung Fu meets The Rockford Files, maybe…

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Dec092008

Buzz Phrase Overload

Business writing is so painful sometimes…

Some see the emergence of UC&C as the catalyst for a sea change in long-established business organizational models, particularly as new methods of team productivity supplant conventional corporate hierarchies as potent mechanisms for wealth creation.

The first half of that sentence isn’t too bad, but everything from the comma forward… oy. It makes my heart hurt.

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Dec082008

Ghosts of TV Christmases Past

BetaMaXmas screengrab

In case you haven’t noticed, I devote a lot of my energies around this place to memorializing, eulogizing, or otherwise trying to recapture, through whatever magic my words may posses, the recent past: the pre-digital, pre-Internet, pre-adult-responsibility (for me, anyhow) era of the 1970s and ’80s. But sometimes words just aren’t up to the task. Sometimes a little visual aid is helpful. So, for those whippersnappers in the audience who never knew The Way Things Used to Be and for you older folks who still pine for 1985 — you know you do, just admit it! — allow me to present BetaMaXmas.

This fun little website runs YouTube clips of old Christmas specials, holiday-themed episodes of ’80s-vintage sitcoms (watch for a mulleted George Clooney on The Facts of Life!), and appropriate vintage commercials and music videos, all of which would be entertaining enough on its own. But what makes BetaMaXmas a real treasure is the cleaver virtual environment, which you can see in the screengrab above. Yes, kids, that’s really what the world used to look like: tacky wood-veneer paneling, ugly upholstery, a TV screen smaller than the window on a modern microwave oven, and of course the rabbit-ear antennae that make a snowy picture, um, somewhat less snowy. (You can even manipulate the rabbit-ears, for the full old-tymey effect!) The Star Wars poster peeking out from behind the Christmas tree is an especially nice touch, I thought, and don’t neglect to click on the copy of TV Guide up in the corner.

And now if you’ll excuse me, a Very Special Episode of Alf is about to begin, so I’m going to pour myself some ‘nog and put my feet up…

(Via Boing Boing, of course.)

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